Oh Friends… Romans… Countrymen..
It has been far too long since I’ve wrote to thee..
Some updates: I have taken a social media sabbatical during the holiday season: and truthfully .. a month in.. a life offline seems to better benefit my mental health- I struggle with seasonal depression or also known as Seasonal affective disorder (SAD) which I’ve discussed before affects a larger number of women than men. I’ve learned frontloading helps combat for me a hormone and trauma related condition: eating the stupid salad, drinking the water, sitting with my happy light, getting the sweat in leaving the warm bed at 5 AM when I’d rather just sleep, and also taking time to engage with friends and love ones when there can be a big internal pull to lean inward, recluse, and check out.
I’m a gal who struggles with balance: despite how much I want to be the person who can have the single glass of wine and never think of having another until months later at the next social outing– the person who can eat one square of chocolate as per the recommended serving- the person who can turn off the tv one episode into the exciting series before the next one automatically starts playing- or the gal who can look at social media for 10 minutes and go about her day not checking it until the next day for the same minuet duration- I want to be her- I’ve prayed to be her.. but enough time, falls, work, therapy, and experience has shown me- that that is not me- I am not her…and here’s the harder part that comes with that- where the real work is… that that is okay- and I am perfectly made the way I am.
Here me say that I am not perfect: but someone- God-Dirt-Buddha whoever you believe in- made me this way on purpose- flaws and all- and here me friend say because someone needs to hear it today— They made you this way too– all your faults, short comings, inadequacies, hard headiness, lack thereof- whatever you struggle with as being a part of you when you wish it wasn’t- someone crafted you just as you are on purpose.. and let us take the time this holiday season- to notice the self deprivation, the negative thoughts, the wishes we were someone else, the shame..and in turn give ourselves the truest gift- true – whole acceptance- and love.
Here me say: I have not arrived at the finish line of this journey. As I type to you now I have misty eyes- very clear of where my struggles still are with this growth-and living a whole, healthy, and fulfilled life–and some days unsure how to get there. What I focus on during the hard months- winter- holidays-being around family is to do ‘the next right thing’.
Today the next right thing- is pouring my heart on these keys- when I don’t want anyone to know how I’m feeling- when I’d rather not blast my insecurities- inadequacies to the world or internet . Shame I have learned though : only can live in the dark. I could choose to not tell you.. that even with a great HEALHY husband, healthy kids, a home, a handful of great friends, food on the table and money in the bank account– that there is always a storm and rumbling inside my soul and heart for the missing piece- true fulfillment. No- I’m not a unicorn rainbow junkie (even though I have a unicorn tattoo on my forearm) that believes I will be happy when I get ____, or when ____ happens I’ll be happy or that I will in fact be joyful everyday. I have felt this void throughout my life– and I have stuffed it– stuffed it with booze- climbing the career ladder- with food- with overbusying myself- with the newest outfit- the newest home décor piece for my gallery wall… and it is here in the moment– in these past couple months- past couple of years- where I have actively tried to moment to moment do the next right choice which is to sit in it– instead of stuff it down.
Instead of stuffing it today the next right thing: is to let it out- let the words fly hoping they land where someone else can read them and start to pick up the pieces to do the same.
Today I choose to investigate instead of numb: to ask the hard questions- because those choices give us the better life- those choices lead to what we all truly desire- fulfillment.
Have a Very Merry Christmas.
I love you and believe in you.